After the End
by AerynsFallen
Summary: Isabelle Shepard wakes up in a hospital, with no memory of who she is. Her life becomes even more complicated by news she never would have expected. Plagued by dreams of a man asking her to find him, she sets off on a journey to find the man she can't remember loving. Post ME3. Shenko, slightly AU
1. Chapter 1

**I've been putting off posting this for awhile in the hopes that I'll be able to finish one of my other stories off. I've been on a roll with this one so I figured why not? The idea isn't an original one. I love amnesia stories, not really sure why. I'm doing my own version of it. The premise may seem familiar but really, what else would happen after the ending of Mass Effect 3? Shepard and Kaidan are separated and this is my version of how they find each other again. Enough spoilers I suppose. If anyone likes the story I'll be posting another chapter next Monday. Maybe sooner if I feel like it. **

**I have no beta so all mistakes are my own. All characters belong to Bioware.**

**The rating is merely a precaution. Mostly for language at this point but chapter seven might warrant it so I figured I'd be safe.**

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The world exploded around her and she was falling. It was a familiar experience from the time that the original Normandy was attacked and destroyed. It was familiar, the loss of control, the certainty of death. But it was altogether different. Her final thoughts were her own, not the frantic tearing at her suit as her breath was stolen from her, not the slow darkening of her vision and the sudden heaviness of her limbs as her brain suffocated. Her frantic movements lost to sluggish acceptance as she lost control of her motor functions and began to die. There had been a brief moment of regret because she had known that she would never see Kaidan again and he would be left to deal with her loss. But it was fleeting, a feeling rather than an actual thought. She could pin it down now, once she had time to reflect. And that made all the difference. She was falling and her entire body burned and ached. But her mind was clear of the haze that had accompanied her other death. She could think. And she thought of him. Kaidan. His perfectly managed hair with grey at the temples. His warm smile bracketed by the laugh lines that were etched just a little deeper than they had been before her first death. His beautiful dark eyes with creases at the corners. They had never spoken about the reason for the grey in his hair or the deeper lines in his face. He had aged beautifully but the fact that he had aged at all and so significantly after only two years troubled her. They had both known he had taken her death hard and her sudden rebirth and alliance with Cerberus even harder. After all she had died an Alliance hero and been reborn a Cerberus pawn in his eyes.

He had apologized for his reaction. His initial joy at seeing her given way to his anger at her betrayal. But they had both known his feelings had been genuine and the conflict of his feelings for her had nearly torn him apart. For a time he hadn't been sure if he had loved her entirely or if he could grow to hate the woman she had become. And Shepard had many conflicts of her own. She'd wanted to search for him, to beg him to join her in the fight against the Collectors. But she had her duty, to humanity, to every race of the Galaxy and thoughts of Kaidan had to be put aside. It had only been at night when she was alone with the quiet hum of the ship that she allowed herself fleeting thoughts. Did he think of her? Did he still love her? Her love for him had never died. She had died secure in the knowledge that what they had couldn't be broken. And she had woken up in a world where they were enemies, where loving each other no longer made sense. Only in those moments as she curled into the blankets of her bed, so empty without Kaidan's warmth beside her, did she allow herself to feel despair. Then she wasn't Shepard, the hero who had saved the galaxy. She was simply Isabelle, the woman who had loved and lost and was still trying to piece together why. Only once had she wished she hadn't been brought back and it was the moment after Kaidan's rejection. She'd been so elated to see him and hold him. But he hadn't wanted to listen to her explanations, hadn't wanted to hear how she had survived. He had left her.

Their reconciliation was a slow process. She had to gain his trust back and it was not easily done. There were times that she wanted to give in to the resentment she felt and be done with the constant ache. To tell him that what they had was gone and never coming back. But then Isabelle would remember she'd never wanted anyone else. The closest she had come was to Thane Krios. She saw a male she could love. He was sweet and thoughtful, his words achingly beautiful. But she would lose him and she hadn't been brave enough to throw herself into a relationship doomed to end with heartache. She'd clung to her love of Kaidan and it had gotten her through the final mission with Cerberus. Simply looking at his picture gave her strength. She'd known then it was right that he was the only man in her heart. The affection and respect she'd felt for Thane could not equal the incandescence she felt at simply seeing his face. She reminded herself of that feeling every time she looked on Kaidan's closed expression, at his eyes filled with wariness. He was the only man she could ever love.

Visiting him in the hospital had been tough. She'd seen him beaten before, his body bruised from fighting, his brow furrowed in pain. She'd never seen him broken. His smile wasn't the one she remembered and he moved so slowly, aged beyond his 36 years. The first real conversation she had with him since before Horizon was stilted and awkward. They had eyed each other as if the other was going to attack. Inane pleasantries were exchanged and once they had nothing else to hide behind it grew silent, neither really knowing how to break new territory and talk about _them_. Their relationship had been fractured but she hadn't pushed for more than he could give. She called upon her endless supply of patience and waited. Soon the smile on his face was almost the one she remembered, warmth and affection, if not love. He was eased back onto the Normandy and into missions. At first he'd stared around with bewilderment, unable to move past the changes to the ship and crew. But the familiar faces he did see helped him to adjust. Soon he told her it felt as if he was coming home. The day he told her he still loved her had her over the moon. The mission she went on that day couldn't drag her down, even as she plowed through Geth shooting her pistol with a fractured wrist, hastily patched up with medigel. The pain hadn't bothered her then as the sound of 'I still love you' played in her head.

There was never enough time to truly say what they wanted or be together as often as they hoped for. Their entire relationship was forged in between missions and briefings, amidst war and fighting. The time they spent together, alone for barely more than a few stolen hours at a time was precious. They'd both survived many situations they shouldn't have. Kaidan seemed to realize as she did that this was it, their final chance at stealing moments of happiness for themselves. The final days before they returned to Earth to face the Reaper invasion were some of the best of her life. She was stressed but he made sure she knew he was by her side through whatever they had to face. They clung together the few hours they slept, they stayed close on missions, kissed every chance they got and said I love you before every instance they were forced to separate. It was the closest they would ever get to domestic bliss in the situation they found themselves in. And as she left to make her run for the catalyst her final words had been a promise to return, somehow, and that she loved him more than anything.

It was funny how time seemed to slow for her as she plummeted to Earth amongst the wreckage of the former Citadel. She saw all the faces of her squadmates flash before her eyes, the faces of Captain Anderson and Admiral Hackett. They would hopefully survive the destruction. She had saved as many as she could and she could die knowing she couldn't have done more. Her only regret was her broken promise to Kaidan. They would never have the chance at normalcy and family like they'd talked about. They'd hesitantly discussed possible names of children that would now never be born. She could almost imagine a baby girl with her red hair and his beautiful brown eyes, or a baby boy with his dark hair and her green eyes. A piece of each of them that she would never have the chance to see.

The fall was long and she should have burned as she re-entered the atmosphere but she seemed to be protected by the walls of cement and twisted metal that surrounded her. Her suit protected her and kept her breathing and coherent enough to realize that when she hit the ground she would be crushed. She began to lose consciousness as the pressure of moving through the layers of the atmosphere tried to tear her apart. She could hear the whistling of air as she plummeted and wondered what it looked like to those below. It probably looked like a big ball of fire from the ground. She could feel the heat as the flames licked at her suit and seared her flesh. Maybe she wouldn't die from being crushed. Maybe she would simply burn first, burn into ash and twisted pieces of her synthetic structure. Why hadn't she died yet? The blast from the Catalyst should have killed her. She was only half human, flesh hiding the synthetics that kept her alive and made her so much stronger and faster than she should be.

She knew when the ground approached. She could sense it as pieces around her broke apart. She had the briefest glimpse of the sky. The only thought that remained was him.

_Kaidan._

__**Just a short chapter to start off. Hope you enjoyed. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Another short chapter. I said I'd update on Monday but a couple days early seems good. Note that I posted in the summary that this is slightly AU. It will be. I forget moments of the game, despite my recent playthrough so as it stands: Kaidan, Liara, Joker, James, Garrus, Tali and whoever else I feel like is on the Normandy at the end of the game. Miranda and Jack are on Earth, and Anderson survived. Just thought I'd point it out now so it doesn't confuse anyone later. Saturdays are my day off (Lucky me) so I'm going to be posting any future chapters on Saturdays. Hope that works for everyone ;) **

**Thank you to Urd85613, ela11 and the guest reviewer for your reviews :D**

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Jack found her. They shouted for her over and over, scouring every inch of the rubble. Some parts of the Citadel were still floating in space and there were teams still searching there as well. Jack knew that she was looking in the right spot. She could feel it in the pit of her stomach as she used her biotics to sift through the wreckage. She wouldn't give up on Shepard because Shepard had never given up on her. Not through the entire nightmare that was their cooperation with Cerberus. She had her kids looking as well, shouting commands to be careful, to be quiet when she thought she heard something. Miranda was searching just as diligently, unwilling to give up on the woman who had saved them all. There were others of course. Rescue workers who watched them with pity in their eyes. They believed she was dead. They didn't know Shepard. The Alliance was still picking up the pieces, communication was still confusing. Captain Anderson was in an Alliance hospital, barely alive but breathing thanks to Shepard. If he was able he would have been out here with them. He'd always believed in Shepard and felt as if she was the daughter he'd never had.

Despite the confusion of the last couple of days there was talk of holding a memorial for those lost in the war with the Reapers, Shepard included. Jack ignored the talk and focused on searching for the Commander she knew was still out there somewhere, alive. She'd barely slept, catching an hour when she was too exhausted to continue. It had been three days and she knew Shepard didn't have much longer. Who knew if her suit was still providing oxygen or what injuries she'd sustained from her plummet from the sky. Jack pressed on; thinking every person she found was the one she was looking for. Disappointment worked to fuel her. Not that she wasn't happy at the survivors they had found. The more lives they managed to save were a balm to the ache of all they had lost. They just weren't Shepard. And as unfair as it was, they still needed Shepard. _She_ still needed Shepard.

Jack was alone in the section of rubble she was searching through. The debris was heavily concentrated and the likelihood of finding survivors was next to impossible. They were focused on other areas. Jack needed to focus here. Even Miranda had left her alone, telling her that if Shepard had fallen here she wouldn't have survived. There probably wouldn't be a body to find. She lifted blocks of cement and twisted metal, feeling the strain on her biotics. She hadn't slept in 24 hours, hadn't eaten in almost as long. The kids she was in charge of were all back at one of the camps. She'd pushed them hard and they needed to rest. She pushed herself harder. She felt a sense of anticipation, a quiet hush seeming to have fallen around her. The efforts of the other people searching were a distant background noise. Her senses were sharp despite her exhaustion, her keen eyes searching, her ears strained for any sound. Then it happened. She'd stopped for the briefest moment, taking a second to wipe the sweat off her brow when she heard it. A single gasp. She was moving in the next second, desperately lifting objects with her biotics, searching for the source of that voice. _She knew_. She knew it was Shepard. She felt it in the pit of her stomach.

Jack parted two pieces of entwined metal and finally found her. She looked barely human, her skin blackened by dirt and burns. The smell of blood was in the air and she was lying in a pool of it. Her red hair was almost burned away, almost indiscernible and there was a gash that ran across the right side of her face, from her brow to the line of her jaw. Jack could see the gleam of bone as it had pierced the skin of her leg. She was screaming for help before she realized it. Screaming for Miranda, or anyone that could come and save Shepard. Shepard's chest was moving up and down rapidly. How she was still alive with the amount of blood loss was a miracle that Jack wasn't about to question. She crouched with packs of medigel clutched in her hand. She wanted to staunch the blood flow but she wasn't sure where to start. Shepard was broken and bleeding. Jack reached for her just as Shepard spoke, her voice a hoarse whisper.

"Kaidan."

Jack started screaming even louder as Shepard's body started to convulse as seizures racked her body.

_There was a light and the sound of voices. She felt the briefest moment of absolute warmth and happiness so intense she had no description. The little boy she hadn't been able to save was beckoning to her, his smile wide. He was laughing and some part of her that had shattered at the loss of a life so young healed over. He was happy now and so was she. She started towards him, noticing for the first time that just ahead stood Ashley and Pressly and every person she'd lost. They were all waving and smiling, looking so happy to see her. She looked around; searching for the one person she wanted to see the most. She met the eyes of each and every person but Kaidan wasn't here. She became aware of a cold that had seeped into her bones and the shadow of pain in her limbs. The little boy was watching her with curious eyes, his hand still reaching for hers. But Kaidan wasn't here. The warmth she'd felt was gone, overshadowed by an increasing amount of pain. But pain was good. Pain would lead her to Kaidan, to life. She closed her eyes as she fell from that place and embraced what lie ahead._

**Hope you enjoyed!**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's late where I am, about 11pm but I said I'd post on Saturday so I'm posting this before I head to sleep. Thanks to anyone that followed or reviewed. It keeps me posting****. The chapters are slowly getting longer. Still a short-ish one compared to some of my other stories but hope you guys enjoy! :D**

**As promised the next chapter will be out next Saturday (hopefully before 11pm since I have a horrible memory) As always, I don't own the characters and have no beta so all mistakes are my own.**

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She awoke surrounded by noise. There was beeping of medical equipment, the shuffle of feet as people walked back and forth, the low murmur of voices. She had no idea how she knew she was in a hospital, but she did. At the thought of being in a hospital she felt close to panic. What was she doing here? She tried to remember what had happened but she realized her memories were just gone. She had no idea who she was, no idea what her name was or how old she was. She could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate. The heart rate monitor started beeping erratically. She tried to get up but her arms and legs were restrained. She was trapped. She tried to open her eyes but they felt heavy, her mind trying to focus past the fog.

There was a gasp as someone figured out she was awake.

"Shepard?"

Shepard? Was that her name? There was no recognition at the sound of her possible name. When her eyes finally opened she could make out the indistinct form of someone standing over her bed. She couldn't make out any features, her vision still too blurry. The person was a woman, if her slim form and voice was any indication. And she seemed to know who she was.

"Where am I?" Her voice sounded hoarse and she found that her throat was dry and aching. She started to cough, as she became aware of the tubes that were inserted into her nostrils and led down her throat. She tried to move her arms, desperate to pull out the tubes. She felt like she was choking, coughs racking her body. Her chest seized and it felt like her lungs would be expelled from her throat, she was coughing so hard.

"Get them out!"

The woman seemed to understand her immediately. Her hands were gentle as she pulled off the tape and pulled the tubes out. Almost right away a straw was placed near her mouth and she sought it out eagerly, desperate to quench her thirst and wet her dry throat. She drank until she couldn't hold her breath any longer. Half the water she ingested came back up as she started coughing once again. She was too tired to care about how she must look. Too grateful that the burn in her throat was soothed.

"Easy, Shepard. Easy." The woman's voice was surprisingly gentle. She felt like she should know it but at the same time there was something different. When she was finally able to focus her vision the woman she saw confused her. Her rough and slightly intimidating appearance was at odds with the gentle warmth in her voice.

"Who are you?" Her first question hadn't been answered but she figured there wasn't an immediate need for that answer. She was in a hospital that much was certain. The location of the hospital didn't really matter right now, as she doubted she would she would recognize the name of the place anyway. She was experiencing memory loss. If it was permanent was still to be determined.

The woman flinched as if struck, her eyes widening in disbelief. "What the hell do you mean, who are you?"

Shepard, as she was apparently named, felt the urge to smile. The angry, bewildered expression on the tattooed woman's face was somehow more familiar than the gentle concern. She frowned instead, reminding herself of the seriousness of the situation. For all she knew she had a family, a husband and children waiting for her to wake up. At the thought of a husband a face flashed before her eyes, dark hair and eyes. Was that her husband? If it was, where was he? She had a feeling that she didn't have any children. And the thought filled her with remorse. What the hell? She really needed some answers. The woman was still waiting for her answer, her eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"I mean exactly what I asked." Shepard explained. "I have no idea who you are."

She wanted to take the words back immediately. The woman looked devastated. They'd obviously been close. To find out your friend, if that's what they were, didn't remember you must be hard. "I don't mean to be rude, but it isn't just you I don't remember." She paused and let out her breath in a sigh. "I don't remember anything to be honest." She looked around the room, avoiding the woman's pained expression. "You said my name is Shepard?" The woman nodded. "What an odd name." she mused.

"Shepard you better not be shitting me." The woman started to pace. "You know I hate to be screwed with." She warned with an ominous expression. Shepard had no doubt she was dangerous.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm not screwing with you. I have no idea who you are, no idea where I am, no idea_ who_ I am." As the full magnitude hit her she had the sudden urge to rage. She was still restrained to the bed and it suddenly infuriated her. She started to struggle again, her heart monitor spiking as adrenaline coursed through her veins. This was wrong, she shouldn't be here. She shouldn't be incapacitated in a hospital. She wasn't sure how she knew but she knew that the old her, whoever she had been, hated to feel helpless.

"Woah, Shepard! What are you doing?" The woman was watching her with a bewildered expression.

"Get me out of these restraints!" she demanded.

An expression of comprehension, followed closely by amusement crossed the woman's face. "Give me a second." She ripped the Velcro straps from Shepard's arms and legs. She watched Shepard with a smirk as she rubbed her wrists. "Some things never change. You never did like to be vulnerable."

Shepard nodded. "You still haven't told me who you are"

"Jack."

"Shepard and Jack, hey? I may not remember much but I still feel like those are masculine names."

Jack laughed. "I think I enjoy the amnesiac you. I don't think that's ever come up in conversation. Just to set things some things straight your first name is actually Isobelle. Everyone just calls you by your last name."

"Why?"

"Fuck if I know. Probably has something to do with the fact you're Alliance. Everyone uses their last name in the military."

"I'm Alliance?" Shepard was getting annoyed. Her lack of memory was starting to irritate her. She had no idea what being Alliance meant. Military she understood the gist of and the last name thing made sense because of it. "What Alliance am I part of?"

Jack grinned, clearly amused by her petulant expression. "Alliance, human military organization that represents Earth in interstellar politics would the simplest explanation. I probably just generalized it to the extreme but who the hell cares? You're awake!" Jack slapped her on the shoulder with affection. Shepard tried not to wince, feeling that the old her would never show weakness.

"How long was I gone?" _Two years _was the answer she expected, the question giving her a feeling of déjà vu.

"You were out for a couple weeks. It was rough. Most people didn't think you'd make it. I told them they could shove it up their asses of course. A fall of a few thousand feet is nothing to you." Shepard wondered if she was simply exaggerating. Surviving a few _hundred _feet seemed unlikely.

"Where did I fall from?"

Jack suddenly looked wary. She glanced at the door and back at Shepard. "Not sure if I should be telling you this. Doc said there was a chance of brain damage. I should probably get her."

"Tell me!" Shepard demanded. Irritation crossed Jack's face but she nodded.

"You're as bossy as ever Shepard." She swallowed and started to pace again. "I don't even know where to start."

"At the beginning, maybe?"

Jack glared at her incredulously. "The beginning? Fuck, Shepard. I'm not about to explain the last three or so years to you."

"Three or so years? Why would it take telling me about the last three years to explain what happened to me? Just tell me how I ended up in the hospital." Shepard was impatient.

Jack rolled her eyes. "Sure. I'm sure it won't confuse you at all. You were on the Citadel trying to activate the Catalyst to get rid of the Reapers, which happen to be a race of big-ass sentient machines that were trying to kill every race in the galaxy. You killed them all, managing to save the galaxy once again but the Citadel blew up, or broke apart, I'm not really sure. Anyway, it fell from the sky and you fell with it. You hit the ground not far from London and after a few days of searching I found you. And here you are, a couple weeks later."

Shepard stared at her, feeling even more confused than before and not appreciating Jack's smirk. Sentient machines called Reapers? The Citadel? Saving the galaxy, apparently more than once. It was a lot to take in and Jack was right. The answer only confused her even more. Who the hell was she? Some sort of superhero? If it was true she fell from the sky there had to be something freakish about her. No one should be able to survive that. Unless she had a parachute?

"Okay, maybe I need to hear about the last three years." Her stomach chose that moment to growl. She felt a wave of dizziness hit her and she fell back into her pillows to stop the nausea.

"What you need to do is rest Shepard. I need to get the doctor. She'll be able to figure out what's wrong with your memory." Jack left the room with a terse command to stay there. Shepard wasn't sure where Jack thought she would be going. She might not be restrained anymore but she felt weak as a kitten. It wasn't a feeling she liked, and she had a suspicion it wasn't a feeling she was used to. Still she knew she needed rest. The room was spinning and she was suddenly exhausted.

When she closed her eyes the same face flashed in her mind, this time a little clearer. He had a nice smile. She could hear the whisper of his voice calling her name. She had no idea who the man was, or why he wasn't with her but she was comforted anyway. She fell asleep with his name on the tip of her tongue.

**So in a way I left it on a bit of a cliff-hanger. Please review to let me know what you thought. **** Good or bad, the next chapter is coming out in a week and I'd love suggestions, encouragement and even constructive criticism!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here you guys go, the next chapter! I want to thank kelsey chappell and spaceconveyor for your reviews. Thank you for the support. A special thank you to ela11 for another detailed review and for pointing out my error on the last chapter. Which reminds me, I have no beta and tend to reread my chapters late at night when I'm exhausted so I miss things. I'm dyslexic so I mix up the order of words or letters when I'm reading or writing which makes things a little frustrating. If anyone spots a mistake feel free to point it out! Thank you guys for the encouragement. **

**One more thing, I'm not a doctor and my research into amnesia has been fairly limited. Lazy on my part, so if anything is technically inaccurate please forgive me and pretend it makes sense :p**

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She was standing in a forest, the ruins of a long-forgotten civilization being slowly retaken by the growth surrounding her. She didn't like the place, the silence an omen. She shouldn't be here. She started to walk, her footsteps silent and measured, stealth and care ingrained instincts. It was eerie; the silence remained unbroken except for the soft padding of her feet. Where was the wildlife? The people? She moved through the trees, making her way towards the towering structures with a sense of urgency. She had no idea where she was supposed to be but she had to get there quickly. Someone's life depended on it. She was almost running by the time she reached the first door, her breath laboured. She had the sense that she really needed to rest. Someone had told her to rest, but whom? She glared at the intricate pattern etched into the stone in front of her, blaming it for her confusion. She shouldn't be here. She should be somewhere else. She thought hard, a voice finally breaking through her hazy memories. Jack had told her to rest. She looked around again, even more confused. Why wasn't she in the hospital? Where the hell was she? This place was vaguely familiar but no less ominous. Why was she here again?

_Isabelle._

She turned quickly, raising her pistol in alarm. "Who is there?"

_Isabelle._

There was no one near her but the voice sounded so close. It was a man's voice, urgency clear in his tone. The voice was achingly familiar and it caused a tight feeling in her chest. Whoever he was, Shepard needed to find him. It was very important. It was her mission now. Her only mission.

"Where are you?"

_Find me Isabelle_.

The voice was farther away and she started to chase after it, her investigation of the structures forgotten. She ran into the trees and called out to him in desperation. "Where are you?"

_Find me._

She ran faster, tree branches whipping her in the face and scratching the bare skin on her arms and legs. She stumbled more than once, scraping her hands and knees on protruding rocks. She ignored the sharp little pinpricks and ran. She needed to find the man. It was important. It no longer mattered that she wasn't in the hospital anymore. She had the fleeting thought that she could use Jack's help on this. Garrus' help too. Names came to her unbidden, faces flashing in her mind to match. She had no idea who these people were but they would help her. They were her team. Tali, Joker, Wrex, Liara, Grunt, Miranda, Jacob, James. She needed their help. They had to help her find _him._ His name eluded her memory but his face and voice were clear in her mind. Clearer than anyone else's.

"I'm coming. Hold on."

_Find me._

She awoke with her heart racing, her body covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Jack was shaking her shoulder and calling her name urgently.

"I'm awake." Jack immediately pulled back and smiled at her. The smile was more of a grimace, her features tight with concern.

"That must have been one hell of a nightmare."

Shepard nodded wearily. It sure hadn't been fun endlessly searching through an empty forest for a man's voice that kept getting quieter no matter what direction she ran in. She felt like she'd been running for hours, days even, as exhaustion set into her limbs. But she had to keep searching. It was her mission. It was the urgency that made her push to keep going.

"You wanna talk about it?" Jack offer was genuine but she could see how uncomfortable it made her. Shepard couldn't remember everything but small things were coming back to her. Jack's initial gentle concern was more out of place now that she was starting to remember Jack's usual behaviour.

"I'm good Jack. How are you holding up?"

Jack stared at her, the tone of her voice seeming to alert her that something was different. The biggest smile Shepard had ever seen covered Jack's face. "You remember!"

Shepard winced at the volume of her exclamation but managed a smile for Jack's benefit. "I don't remember everything, but I remember just enough to frustrate the hell out of me. Where's my squad?"

Jack smirked as Shepard forced herself to a sitting position. She grimaced but she hadn't lost her determination. "Is everyone okay? Did everyone make it?" Her voice was detached but Jack could see the worry in her eyes. Shepard was surely going to blame herself if anyone was lost.

Jack didn't get a chance to respond to Shepard's query. Miranda chose that moment to enter the room. "As far as I know, your squad survived. The Alliance and most of the other races obviously suffered significant losses but we were successful against the Reapers. They're gone, piles of Reaper wreckage being torn apart and analyzed. Thanks to you." Miranda smiled at her.

"It's good to see you Miranda."

"You as well Shepard. You should be thanking Jack for finding you. She didn't sleep for days just so she could continue searching for you. She saved your life."

Jack waved Miranda's praise away with an embarrassed smile. "It was nothing. Princess was looking just as hard." Miranda shrugged with a pleased smile.

Shepard watched the interaction between the two with astonishment. Miranda actually complimenting Jack was unbelievable. They'd never hidden the fact that they seemingly hated each other. To see Jack actually complimenting her in return was something Shepard didn't think she'd ever see. They must have settled their differences in the aftermath of the Reaper invasion.

"You said as far as you knew my squad survived, Miranda? Are communications still in disarray?"

Miranda frowned. "No, communications on Earth are mostly back to normal. But the Normandy was forced to flee through the Mass Relay to try and escape the energy surge from the Crucible firing. We've lost contact with more than one ship that way. As far as we know they are okay. Joker is the best pilot the Alliance has. They're probably making their way home right at this moment. It could take months though with the Mass Relays currently out of commission. Teams from every race are working together to get them up and running. Every single one of them was damaged to an extensive degree so it will take a while. I'm sure we'll see the Normandy again. The length of time will be determined by how many Relays they jumped through before they all went down."

Shepard nodded, not relieved by the information but not surprised. She was still missing chunks of her time from the last few years but she knew if anyone could escape the blast of the Citadel firing it was Joker. One thing she couldn't remember was who was on the Normandy. Maybe she hadn't known.

"Who was on the Normandy?"

Miranda listed them off by memory, her eyes closing as she thought about it. "Joker, of course. Tali, Garrus, EDI, Grunt, Kaidan -"

Shepard frowned. "I must be missing more memories than I thought. Who is Kaidan?"

Miranda gasped and Jack actually stumbled back from apparent shock. Shepard watched them with confusion. Who was Kaidan to her, if her question was so shocking to them? She searched her memories, trying her hardest to remember anyone named Kaidan. Her head started to ache from the attempt and she shut her eyes.

"Shepard?"

"Yes?" She spoke through gritted teeth.

"You were just confused right? It's not like you could forget Kaidan." Jack's voice was worried, and her face showed more concern than Shepard thought was warranted. So she forgot one of her squad. She figured that must be pretty good to forgot one face out of many.

"Confused? Yes I am confused. I still don't recognize the name Kaidan, despite your obvious shock. Was he part of my squad?" He wasn't her husband or her brother that was for sure. Her memories surrounding the last three years might be fractured but farther back they were perfectly fine. Unless she'd somehow met someone recently she wasn't sure what else he could be to her.

"Major Kaidan Alenko. He was offered the position of Spectre alongside you before the Reaper's came. He was on your crew when you were commander of the first Normandy. He was your original squadmate. He was your…" Miranda trailed off as Shepard started to shake her head in confusion.

"I'm sorry but I don't remember him. Were we apart for a long time? He can't have been very close to me. The name or description just isn't ringing any bells."

Miranda actually looked anguished at her statement. Jack started to rant about getting the doctor's in here so they could check her out. Obviously something was very wrong with her. Shepard felt fine but their obvious concern was making her feel just a little panicked. Why was this such a big deal? She went over Miranda's description again. Her last sentence had been incomplete.

"Miranda, what were you going to say?"

Miranda blinked. "About what?"

Shepard scowled impatiently. "After saying Major Alenko was my original squadmate. What were you going to say? He was my…?"

"I don't think it would be good to tell you. Obviously you've suffered more brain damage than we first suspected. I think we should wait to find out what the doctors' have to say before I explain anything else."

"Tell me Miranda." Her tone left no room for argument. It was an obvious command and Miranda nodded reluctantly.

"Kaidan was…important to you." Miranda's look begged her to understand what she was saying.

Shepard had a bad feeling but she needed it confirmed. She kept her tone completely neutral. "Important? In what way?"

Jack sighed and smacked her foot. "Don't act stupid Shepard. He was a guy, he was important and Miranda's obvious discomfort was a dead giveaway."

"But I don't remember him!" Shepard protested. She felt suddenly nauseous. Her face must have turned green or something because next thing she knew she had a garbage can shoved in her face. She didn't have the time to thank anyone as she started to vomit as soon as it was within range.

Someone left the room but she was too busy to care. She threw up until there wasn't anything left in her stomach and apparently even that wasn't enough. She started to dry heave as well, acid making its way up from her stomach and leaving her throat burning. Miranda's concerned voice was in her ear, speaking soothing words. She started to rub Shepard's back and despite the brush against her many cuts and bruises she started to feel better.

When she was finally able to lift her head up she found she was surrounded by the concerned faces of Jack, Miranda and who she assumed were her doctors.

"Commander Shepard, how are you feeling?" The doctor directly in front of her smiled sympathetically. Shepard resisted the urge to reply sarcastically. How she was feeling should have been obvious.

"Not feeling so good. What's wrong with me? Is my nausea caused by a concussion or something more severe?" The four doctors in front of her exchanged uneasy looks. "What is it? What's wrong with me?"

Three of the doctor's nudged the one who'd asked her how she was feeling forwards. He shot the others a glare, not happy to be elected their spokesperson. He coughed and shuffled and began speaking nervously.

"Commander Shepard, in my professional opinion your nausea is unrelated to your concussion and your memory loss. While true that your survival is a miracle, you've been unconscious for over two weeks and most of the major damage to your body is well on the way to being fully healed. You heal significantly faster than the average person. We believe that any brain damage is temporary and that your memory loss might simply be a result of mental trauma. Am I correct in thinking that the memories directly preceding your fall to earth are missing?"

Shepard nodded, irritated that he still hadn't given her an explanation for her sudden urge to vomit.

"Well Miss Lawson has explained to us that you are missing sections of your memories and if I were to guess, I would say that your brain has blocked the memories associated with whatever you were thinking of while you fell. It's your mind's way of protecting you from traumatic memories. The loss of less recent memories is an unfortunate consequence as your mind does its best to supress any reminder of your traumatic experience. The memories should return on their own, over time as your mind heals but it could take some days or weeks even."

The explanation was sound and made sense to Shepard. If this Kaidan Alenko was so important to her than it wasn't hard to imagine that her last thoughts would have been focused on him. She felt a moment of regret. Her stubborn mind, in its attempt to protect itself had erased the man she cared for, perhaps even loved and Shepard was determined to get those memories back. She was grateful for the doctor's explanation but it was incomplete.

"So why did I suddenly feel sick?" At the second exchange of uneasy looks she rolled her eyes. Jack and Miranda appeared as mystified as she was and Jack looked ready to knock the doctor's heads together if they evaded her question.

"Well," the doctor hesitated. "Perhaps it's best if everyone but the two of us steps out of the room. This is a very private matter." The other doctor's didn't hesitate to scurry out of the room, one shooting her a look of complete hero worship as he left.

Miranda's eyes were wide with disbelief and Jack started laughing. They'd understood the doctor's implication. Shepard hadn't and she glared at the both of them. "Look, these two are part of my team. Whatever you are going to tell me you might as well tell them. From their expressions I'm sure they already know."

The doctor nodded solemnly, and then smiled. "Trust me Commander, this is good news!" He continued to smile at her, as if waiting for some response. Shepard was beginning to feel the urge to grab him by his tie and choke him.

"Well?"

"Oh, yes. Well, it really is a miracle. Not only did you survive such an impossible fall but after we did some blood tests we were astonished when we discovered an anomaly. We rechecked our findings several times but we weren't mistaken. To imagine such joy coming out of such a terrible thing…"

"What the hell did you find?!" Shepard last nerve was gone. If she didn't feel so out of sorts she'd probably already know what he was about to tell her. But she was still feeling queasy and her head was starting to pound. She just wanted him to tell her the news and then get out of the room and let her sleep.

The doctor flushed. "You're pregnant, Commander Shepard."

She could hear her heart-rate spike as the pounding in her head turned into hammering blows. This was his idea of good news? She couldn't wrap her head around it. She was pregnant. She. Was. Pregnant. Her brain wanted to shut down at those words. In several months' time she was going to give birth to the child of a man she did not remember. The same man might or might not be present, and she might or might not remember him by then. She couldn't feel joy at the announcement. She couldn't feel anything.

"Get out." Her voice seemed to be gone, the words a hoarse whisper.

"Shepard?" Jack placed her hand on Shepard's shoulder. Shepard shrugged it off.

"GET OUT!" Her hands started to shake as she pointed at the door. Moments later she was alone, the door closing with a quiet click.

For the first time since she was a child she held her head in her hands and cried.

**Dramatic much? Also, I've never had amnesia and then found out that I was pregnant. Hope my portrayal was believable. Hope you enjoyed! Thanks again for the reviews and follows. The next chapter will be posted in a week!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you guys for all the support! I'm sorry but this weekend was particularly busy and I'm posting this in a rush because I can't find my laptop charger and it's going to die. I apologize for the abundance of mistakes you'll probably find because I haven't had a chance to read it through. Thank you for the reviews and follows. Thank you especially to the people who take the time to review each chapter. This chapter is for you. I wouldn't be continuing this story without your support and helpful advice! I know it's a day late and unfortunately next weekend will also be very busy but I'll do my best to post on time!**

**This chapter is the first in Kaidan's POV and lets you see what's happening on his end. It's a little longer so I hope you enjoy!**

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Kaidan was concerned. They were trapped on an unmapped planet that was who knew how far from home and they were running out of supplies. They had enough to last for several weeks and the Normandy was almost good as new but he had no idea how long it would take to make it home. Should they chance it and try to make it to Earth before their supplies ran out? Should they wait for someone to come and find them? On the one hand they could survive indefinitely on the plants and wildlife on this planet while they waited for rescue. On the other hand rescue could be months, or even years away, the rest of the galaxy focused on recovering and rebuilding after the Reapers almost destroyed everything. There was a good chance that if Shepard survived….what was he thinking? Of course Isabelle survived. To imagine any other result was unthinkable and threatened to tear him apart.

Isabelle. He wished that she was here. She would know what to do. As the highest ranking officer aboard when they crash-landed he was now officially in charge. He hated it. He felt indecisive and lost without Isabelle. He felt alone. He tried to keep a brave face for the crew, and tried to give commands with utter conviction. So far no one had noticed that his hands sometimes shook with the strain. Night was the only time he allowed himself to shed a few tears as he hugged Shepard's pillow close, breathing in her fading scent.

The only person he hoped managed to notice that he wasn't comfortable in his role of Commander was Garrus. Garrus knew him the longest, next to Tali and Joker but Tali was busy with the Normandy repairs and Joker was lost in his own web of grief. EDI had predictably not survived the destruction of the Reapers. She was synthetic so despite the fact that her body hadn't been destroyed, her consciousness was gone. She was simply the shell of a robot. Joker had gotten close to EDI. Kaidan might not understand how a man could fall in love with a completely synthetic being, but he understood love. Shepard was partly synthetic. Logic said that even if she somehow managed to escape the Citadel without injury, that she might not survive the destruction of synthetic life. No one from the Normandy was certain what had happened when EDI's body suddenly crumpled to the ground but they were able to make an educated guess. Garrus had been watching him closely with concern. Kaidan did his best to reassure him that he was fine, but it was an uphill battle. More than once he'd had to find a spot free of anyone else's presence, feeling so close to breaking down that he needed a moment alone to readjust.

Garrus had found him in one of these moments, and it was one of his worst. He'd been clinging to the only picture of Shepard that he owned, tears of grief threatening to spill out of his eyes. He missed her and on that day the potential loss of Isabelle was particularly hard. It could have been watching Joker mope around with empty eyes, it could have been Gabby and Kenneth clinging together after their near escape but the reason was much simpler. He'd found a ring he'd given Shepard on one of their few nights alone together on the Normandy. She kept it with her dog tags on a chain around her neck. One night he'd taken it off of her and the ring had slipped off the chain and rolled under the bed.

Both of them had been desperately tearing at clothes, eager to steal a few moments before they were called to a mission; neither of them had noticed immediately what had happened. Isabelle had laughed and teased him about his eagerness afterwards, tucked against his side. She'd rolled away and dropped her head over the side of the bed. The ring had been too far out of her reach but before she could drop to the floor to try and retrieve it he'd distracted her with a kiss on the bared skin of her lower back. The ring had been forgotten unintentionally. The next few days had been chaotic and they hadn't had more than a moment alone together after that night. He cherished the memory and finding the ring had nearly broken him. He'd given her the ring as a promise. A promise to return safe and sound, to begin a life together after everything was said and done. It was his proposal to her, and she hadn't even been wearing it when she faced the Reapers. She had his dog tags, as well as her own. He'd insisted she wear them, but it wasn't the same. She'd called his ring her luck, claimed that she felt him with her wherever she went, whether he was by her side or not. In the few short weeks after he'd given the ring to her she'd clung to it, kissing it before every mission.

Garrus had been shocked by his display of weakness. But he'd taken one look at the ring that Kaidan held out to him as explanation and nodded. Everyone had their own suspicions about their engagement. It had been something to celebrate during a time when everyone had been feeling uncertain about the future. Shepard had never hidden the ring, wearing it over her clothes when she was in casual wear, and kissing it in plain view before she slipped it under her shirt before a mission. They had never confirmed it, except to their closest friends. Garrus had once teased him on the small emerald embedded in the silver band. He'd heard that human women expected large diamonds, gold bands and gaudy displays of wealth. He'd bugged Kaidan, calling him a poor fool. It had been in jest, no one doubting Shepard loved the simplicity of the ring. Kaidan had responded that it matched her eyes, which was true, and that Shepard would have hated what most women loved. Garrus' smile had been knowing and indulgent. In the turmoil of their last few days together no one had time to notice that her ring was missing. Perhaps only Isabelle had felt its loss. He mourned the thought that if she had reached for it in her last moments, that it wouldn't be there.

Garrus had given him an awkward one-armed hug and a hard smack on the back. "Shepard is fine, Alenko. If there was any person who was guaranteed to make it out of this alive, it would be her."

Kaidan hadn't been reassured. Isabelle was strong, courageous to a fault, and completely capable of taking care of herself. But in his moment of weakness he recognized that the odds were not in her favour. They couldn't be. One woman against an entire race of sentient machines was the thought that kept him up at night, stealing any moment of comfort or reassurance. She'd been alone. Had she been afraid?

He did his best to keep it together, for Shepard and for her crew. They'd held a small ceremony, placing plaques of the names of fallen comrades on the wall. He'd held Shepard's plaque in his shaking hands, tracing the letters of her name with his eyes. In the end, despite the overwhelming consensus that she couldn't have survived, he hadn't placed her name on that wall. He chose to believe that she was still out there somewhere, alive and breathing. He let that thought focus him, drive him to get home. He told the crew he'd made his decision, rescue was unlikely so they had to rely on themselves to get back to Earth. The majority of the crew was human so everyone agreed that if needed, any crew could make their way home from there. Tali was the hardest hit by this news, worry for her Flotilla and desire to reach Rannoch clear in her subdued manner. Garrus was obviously concerned about his home planet Palaven, being one of the hardest hit by the Reaper attack but he understood that Earth was the logical place to go. Communications on Palaven had still been down before Shepard had left for the Citadel and there was likely still a lot of confusion. All of the crew had noticed the way Tali and Garrus had grown close. Garrus was often seen speaking quietly to Tali when she seemed to be ready to give up. Their relationship wasn't lost on Kaidan, and he was grateful that they managed to find comfort with each other. It still hurt to see them wander off to their shared bunk at night, to see them able to lean on each other, as he wished he was able to share his hopes and concerns with Isabelle.

The repairs to the ship took a shorter amount of time than projected. Gabby and Kenneth had managed to use parts off of a fallen ship scavenged from the surrounding wilderness. With Garrus, Tali and the rest of the crew pitching in where they could, the Normandy was ready to fly in two months. Their maiden voyage on a patched up Normandy was silent, as the crew prayed for the flight to go well. They flew over the planet, looking for signs of other survivors. The Normandy's communications system was still functional but they picked up no distress beacons or signals from any other ships. They were truly alone. The thought left most of the crew jittery, eager to leave the planet they'd called home for so many weeks.

The pack up of the camp was rushed and most of the stores they'd collected were ready to be loaded on when they returned from the test flight. Surprisingly the celebration was less enthused than Kaidan would have thought. He wondered if that had something to do with his anxious mood. He was their acting commander, and so far he hadn't exuded the confidence they wanted. He finally heard their whispered doubts on whether the Normandy could fly. He heard their concern that maybe he wasn't confident they could make it home. One woman had outright asked him if his sour mood was because he was afraid he was taking them to their deaths. It was like a punch to the gut to realize his act hadn't fooled anyone. Kaidan knew he had to speak to his crew, to allay their fears and inspire hope. As he stood before them, on a table so everyone could see him, he looked each and every one of them in the eye before he spoke.

"I know what you've been saying." He paused at the murmured embarrassment. "I know why you've been saying it." He paused, his gaze focused on the crowd of people. "I'm sorry."

A crewmate named Tucker stepped forward. "Sorry for what Major Alenko? Failing us?" he demanded.

Garrus stepped towards him with a raised fist. "Watch your mouth Tucker! That's _Commander_ Alenko to you. And he's failed no one." Tali placed a calming hand on his arm. Kaidan's throat closed at the gesture. In another time, he could see Isabelle and him in the same situation.

"Shepard is our Commander." Tucker insisted stubbornly. "I'm not gonna forget that. She might not be here, but the Normandy is hers to command."

There were nods of assent, some people ducking their heads in shame as they refused to look at Kaidan. He sighed in relief, not because he appeared incompetent to these people, but that by insisting on their allegiance to Shepard, at least some of them felt she was alive. It was true; the Normandy was Shepard's ship, more than it had ever belonged to Anderson, the Alliance, or even Cerberus. She held them together in their darkest moments, inspiring belief that they could do whatever they set their mind on. She was the soul of the Normandy, where Joker was its guiding hand, and EDI its spirit. This crew, whether they were Alliance, former Cerberus or alien were united under Isabelle . She'd been missed by everyone and Kaidan had been too lost in his grief to notice. He'd ignored the bickering and disputes between the crew, convinced it was merely their way of blowing off steam. But as he looked closer he realized that former Cerberus had set themselves apart, just as Alliance and aliens seemed to group together. They surrounded Kaidan, but stood inches apart, eyeing each other with wary eyes. He'd failed them in more ways than one. The rebuilding of the Normandy had worked to keep them together; focused on one goal but now faced with Kaidan's apparent incompetence they began to doubt themselves, and the others around them.

He shook his head to clear it. "Yes, this is Shepard's ship. Whether we return and the Alliance chooses someone else to command it, the fact remains that this ship, with this crew, belong to Shepard. I admit that I'm a stand-in. I admit that I haven't been giving you 100 percent. I believe that I owe you an explanation, if you'll let me give one." He waited patiently as one by one they nodded, Tucker folding his arms grudgingly willing to hear him out.

Kaidan sighed, taking a brief look around. Even in these last weeks the Normandy had changed, unnecessary pieces of equipment ripped apart and re-purposed. Sections of the wall had been stripped, exposing the heavy cable and wiring underneath, all to fix the minor breaches in the Normandy's outer hull. Shepard might not recognize the inside now, but she would recognize her crew. She would know each of them by name; know all the insignificant details that most commanders didn't bother with. Hell, she had a dozen godchildren and was the honorary aunt to most of the crew's children. They loved her and respected her. And now they watched him, willing to give him a chance. He suspected it had something to do with the fact that he spent most of his free time in Shepard's company, in her quarters or off-ship. He knew her better than anyone, despite her frequent interaction with the crew. He could see in their eyes their own hopes on Isabelle's fate. He could see their expectation for him to step up and guide them. Maybe it was an extension of the devotion they felt for his fiancée but it would have to be enough until he gained their trust and respect.

"You all know, or suspected my relationship with Shepard. We never hid it, but for obvious reasons we didn't broadcast it either." He watched as the expressions on their faces became eager. Even in dire times, gossip was fueled and distributed as a form of entertainment. He hoped that by being completely honest he could gain their trust, by getting them home safe and sound he would gain their respect. "Let me be clear. I asked Shepard to marry me, and she said yes."

There was a moment of awed silence, and then shouts of official congratulations. He managed a smile for them, letting himself imagine for one moment Isabelle in a long white dress, coming down the aisle. The congratulations were cut short as one crew member said Shepard was dead. It was Ivana, a woman who hadn't been with part of the crew very long. She received glares and Tucker looked ready to kill her. Kaidan managed to gain their attention with a shout.

"I want to thank all of you for your congratulations. I also ask that you cut Ivana some slack. She hasn't been here long enough to know that there is no doubt that Shepard is alive." His proclamation was met with rousing cheers. Kaidan waved a hand to gain silence. His expression became serious. "I love Isabelle Shepard, more than I thought I could love anything. She is not just my Commander, but my partner and the love of my life. And being here without her is hard, harder than I imagined. Sometimes I look around and even the smallest thing will remind me of her, a moment lost to time." He swallowed hard. "I wish that she was here to see how hard her crew have worked, how we've persevered. I know that she wouldn't be surprised, but she would be damn proud." Garrus shouted his agreement and Tali nodded, vigorously. "I'm not Isabelle, but I _know_ we can do this. I know we _will_ make it home. But we need to work together. Shepard isn't here but we are still her crew and we need to work together on this. And when we get back Shepard will be the first one to say 'I told you so.'"

The next couple of days were frenzied, excitement high as they prepared to leave the planet for good. Kaidan felt a little lighter as he watched the crew interact with more levity, laughing and joking where they had been yelling and fighting only a few days before. There were still moments of tension but he was now actively involved with his crew, acting as delegate between disputes. He knew there was a reason for rules and regulations and he meted out a fair punishment for even the smallest offence. He let them know he was in charge, and rather than hating the sudden atmosphere of order, he seemed to be slowly gaining their respect. Garrus had commented that he finally looked at ease. Tali had even approached him with words of congratulations and appreciation of his command. She'd seemed ashamed that her own actions had been far from exemplary, what she termed 'moping' after their crash landing. She'd vowed to be more positive in the future and think ahead rather than look behind. He'd been touched that he'd influenced the proud quarian.

Their departure was easy, all eyes focused ahead to the black void of space. It would take months to get home without the Mass Relays but everyone remained hopeful. They'd managed to figure out where they were and had set a course to the distant Earth. He wasn't as far away as he'd feared, passing through only two Relays before the Citadel's signal had forced them to land. With luck, he'd be home to see Shepard within five months. He kept the picture of them in the frame on her desk, Isabelle's picture of him hidden behind it. Sadly Shepard's fish were dead, with no fish food to keep them alive, and Kaidan completely forgetting their presence. The space hamster was still alive, the sound of his feet scratching against his bedding a soothing sound at night. Kaidan made sure that they'd packed enough food for the little hamster. Shepard had never given the little guy a name, buying him on a whim to ease the loneliness. She'd told Kaidan she often talked to him, calling him simply 'hamster' or 'you', never able to think of a suitable name. Kaidan studied the space hamster, and decided to call him Udina. He'd seemed to share some traits with the late ambassador. He squeaked a lot and bustled around aimlessly, all talk and bluster with little action. It amused Kaidan to name the little guy Udina, although he felt a little bad for insulting the hamster like that. So he tended to shorten his name to Udie to soften the blow. The hamster simply bustled around either way, showing just how much he cared for Kaidan's regard. Garrus had given him a look that said he was crazy, but Kaidan had caught him talking to Udie on the rare occasion.

Kaidan learned to adjust to life without Shepard for the time being, ever impatient for their reunion. But he never slept without dreaming of her face. Some of the dreams remained with him after he woke, the memory of calling out to her, begging for her to find him fresh in his mind. He figured his dreams mirrored his desire to see her again. Sometimes she didn't seem to know who she was looking for. He did his best to ignore the feeling of foreboding he felt. He would see Shepard again. He was determined to.

**So, what did you think? Next chapter will be out in a week!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry about the delay in posting guys! Last couple of weekends have been extremely busy. Luckily I'm making time to post this before I run off again. Hope you enjoy! I have the next chapter ready to go and since next weekend I have two friends' birthdays to celebrate I'll try to post it Friday! **

**Thank you once again for all the support. A special thank you to my reviewers **_**ela11**_**, **_**zulija**_** and the guest reviewer**

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It had been three months, sixteen days, and about four hours since she'd woken up in the hospital, and about four months since the accident. Her baby bump was large enough to be noticeable and people had commented on it. She hated press conferences, despised the glare of flashing lights and the dozen rapid-fire questions shot at her. She'd been told that she was a master at answering difficult questions. She'd watched the videos of herself, as that reporter had tried to discredit her. She'd been composed and completely professional. She remembered the incidents, but distantly as if she was watching the moment rather than experiencing it firsthand. She thought this might have something to do with Alenko, _Kaidan, _she corrected herself. She still had no memory of him. Any memories she assumed associated with him, even remotely were either hazy or missing. She must have been thinking of him when interviewed, the connection not clear to her.

She'd been irritable during the press conference, her answers curt and to the point. The praises of her victory against the Reapers merely annoyed her. When they mentioned her missing crew members she'd all but shouted at them to shut up. Any questions after that got on her nerves and she was sarcastic, a trait she'd apparently picked up recently. To say the press conference was a disaster would have been an understatement. When asked if she was beginning to remember anything, she'd actually broken down. Her tears had won her sympathy points Anderson told her. She didn't care. She just wanted to curl up on her bed and cry herself into a dreamless sleep. The reporters had been relentless, endlessly probing her on what she remembered, and most importantly, what she didn't. When she'd scowled at the mention of Kaidan Alenko some astute reporter had picked up on it. The other reporters were quick to catch on, hounding her on how she felt about his disappearance. Finally she'd had enough. With one shout to leave her alone, she'd stormed off the stage. Jack had kept the reporters from coming near her, threatening them with her biotics.

Isabelle had watched the interview later and cringed at her own surliness. She was supposed to be a hero, and she'd come across as a two year old in the middle of a tantrum. There had been speculation about her relationship with Major Alenko, rumours that they'd secretly hated each other. It made her sick to her stomach to watch as every action and response was ripped apart and analyzed. The Alliance PR's next move was crucial. They were trying to get everything back under control, splinter groups trying equally hard to form their own government amidst the chaos. For now none of the groups were gaining much support but the Alliance was losing ground. Some critics were claiming that the hero Shepard had come unhinged after her ordeal, her amnesia simply a front for her unraveling sanity. Shepard gave the Alliance permission to announce her condition, and another press conference was set to try and avoid losing face.

This time she made sure to keep her hormones under control. This time she appeared professional, composed and she even managed to smile. The smile felt fake and strained but no one seemed to notice as reporters commented that she seemed to be feeling better. She'd seen no need for beating around the bush so she'd asked for silence. Every eye had watched her as she breathed in deep, attempting to calm herself.

"As you may have suspected, the time after gaining consciousness has been rough. I woke up remembering very little of the events leading up until that moment. I was scared and completely clueless." She paused. "I'm still having trouble remembering everything, and everyone I knew. It's a sore subject with me, and I apologize if I took my confusion out on the press." She paused again for the collective 'that's okay' from the people surrounding her. "I don't remember the Citadel, or my fall from the sky. I don't remember all of my squadmembers, and it bothers me. I've been told of their bravery and devotion to a worthy cause. I've seen their records and seen commendations written with my own hand. But I can't remember them, and it bothers me. Of course I hope they return safely, but when they do, I'm afraid that I won't be able to meet their enthusiasm at my survival on an equal level. It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to the child I carry."

There was an explosion of noise after that statement, questions hurled at her, reporters yelling to be heard over the person beside them. She waved her hand to gain their silence. It took several minutes before they finally seemed to realize she wasn't about to shout over them.

One of the more polite reporters raised her hand. Shepard smiled at her, genuinely pleased to see the woman. She actually recognized her, the interviews she conducted untainted by Kaidan.

"Yes. Miss Wong?"

Emily Wong grinned, pleased that Shepard remembered her. "Good to see you Shepard, and congratulations!" Isabelle nodded. "I know it must be hard to deal with selective amnesia, especially now that you know that you are pregnant. If you don't mind, do you know the identity of the father? And when will your child be born?"

Isabelle nodded, not eager to answer the questions, but understanding why they were asked. The part of her conscious she liked to call Jack told her to tell the woman to mind her own business. Her diplomatic half pointed out that she'd expected this question and prepared for it.

"The father of my child will remain completely confidential until I've regained all of my memories. As for my due date, it is in approximately 4 and half months."

Emily nodded, clearly not satisfied with the answer but knowing to let it go. Another reporter raised their hand and she nodded to them.

"Why is the identity of the father confidential? Do you not remember him? Is he dead? Did he leave you after discovering you were pregnant?"

Shepard resisted the urge to pull out her pistol and shoot the man. She took a calming breath. "I've already stated that I choose not to reveal his identity. It is _not_ because I'm unaware of who he is. That's all I'm going to say about it." She glared at him and he was immediately cowed into silence. She nodded at the next raised hand.

"How extensive is your amnesia? How far in the past is affected by your memory-loss?"

Isabelle sighed, unable to stop the urge to rub her temples. "It is selective amnesia. To simplify things, my brain has forgotten the events immediately prior to waking up in the hospital and any memories associated with the event. A way to defend me from the mental and physical trauma. My memories of early childhood up until the events on Eden Prime are perfectly intact. It is only my memories after that that are affected, and many of them remain intact as well." She stared at the reporters, daring them to contradict her next statement. "If those memories were never to return, there would be no reason for me not to continue my work with the Alliance after the birth of my baby. My abilities remain the same, and I'm willing to prove it."

Her headache remained throughout the rest of the conference, right through questions about the sex of the baby, and a demonstration of her abilities at the Alliance shooting range. She wasn't able to demonstrate her hand to hand but she promised to demonstrate those after she gave birth. It seemed to reassure the sceptics that even her memory loss couldn't knock her down.

The articles the next day were mostly positive, many praising her on her ability to overcome adversity. There were a few obviously disgruntled about the identity of her baby's father. A few even pointed out that her due date indicated that the baby had been conceived in the middle of the Reaper invasion. The Alliance urged her to respond to the accusations that she'd been more focused on fooling around rather than defeating the Reapers. One particularly nasty report speculated on the number of lives that could have been saved if she'd been focused 100 percent like she should have been. She chose to ignore the accusations, secretly wondering the same thing. Had Kaidan and her involvement with each other been a distraction? But she couldn't regret it, not when she was starting to feel the baby kick. Despite all of her misgivings surrounding the conception of the baby, she was eager to become a mother. Soon she would have a child to love and care for. She wouldn't ever be alone again.

It frustrated her, her mind not completely whole, and seemingly unwilling to accommodate her wishes to remember everything. She still dreamed of the man that asked her to find him. She knew it was Kaidan, it had to be. But sometimes she forgot that in the dream, searching endlessly, asking herself why she was searching for someone she didn't know. Those dreams were the worst, worse even the fragments she was starting to remember about her fall to earth. She felt such despair, loneliness and fear while she searched. Her darker emotions twisted together with love so strong she wanted to cry. Because when she awoke she could no longer remember how that felt, to love someone so intensely. It was torture to know that the man she loved was lost to her, except in her dreams, and even then she didn't know why she loved him. There were no memories associated with the emotion. It was illogical. She shouldn't feel anything for him. She wished the dreams would stop.

She looked through Kaidan Alenko's file every night before she went to sleep. She stared at the picture of a handsome man in his prime, the grey at his temples only adding a look of distinction. She could see why she was attracted to him, any woman would be. He seemed shy. Even his picture seemed self-conscious, his eyes looking beyond the camera, his posture stiff. Miranda and Jack did their best to describe the man as they knew him but it wasn't helpful. They hadn't known him very well because he had rejected Shepard after she'd come back to life. She wondered how they had come back together, how she'd let him into her bed again after that. How she'd let him into her heart. Clearly they'd reconciled and she'd forgiven him, but why? Why would she forgive him? Miranda called it a misunderstanding, Jack merely humphed as if to agree with Shepard. They told her that she'd kept his picture on her desk in the Normandy always. They told her that she'd never once shown any genuine interest in anyone else. Half of the male members of their crew would have been eager to be a rebound. She hadn't cared, her devotion belonging to Kaidan. But why? Their early missions together were lost to her, and so her regard for the fallen Ashley Williams was merely superficial, their time together too entwined with her memories of Kaidan. The time after her rebirth, so to speak, was void of him for the most part and those memories, next to the ones of early adulthood were mostly intact. There were few evidences of their apparent close relationship. She was always front and centre in her interviews, the one with Kaidan in it had him off to the side, out of focus. But the way he looked at her, the fascination and adoration in his eyes was easy to read, and a little uncomfortable for her to see. How had no one else seen it? Miranda said that Cerberus had watched her from the beginning, and at this point they were certain that she and Major Alenko were not involved. So what did his look mean? A crush that turned into something more? She had dozens of pictures of him, very few of them with her presence. And always she looked serious, focused, and completely oblivious of Kaidan's eyes on her. There was evidence to prove his feelings for her, but nothing to prove that she returned his sentiments. Why had she let him back into her personal life? The feeling she had in her dreams didn't count, because it left her feeling empty when she awoke. It didn't prove anything.

Isabelle stroked the small swell of her stomach absentmindedly. Her baby belonged to Kaidan Alenko and she was looking for a reason to belong to him as well. She wasn't sure why, but she _knew _he was alive. When she finally met him she would like to be able to tell him that despite the fact that she couldn't remember him, she was willing to give them a try. But at this moment she had no desire to enter a potentially complicated relationship for the sake of their child. She knew better than most that staying together for a child's sake didn't make them a happy family. She would never deny him access to his child, but she just couldn't see a relationship between them. Not now, and if she didn't remember even the smallest thing about him, maybe never. Of course she was getting ahead of herself. She needed to find him first.

With that thought, she'd set about finding passage on a ship heading out with supplies to the farther colonies. She needed to take initiative, tired of being waited on hand and foot. She was determined to find Alenko and get the messy part of their reunion over with. The stress wasn't good for the baby. The sooner she could either get back her memories, or set them to rest, the better.

**Hope you guys enjoyed! **


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